The Same
by Becca the fiend
Summary: Kurogane reflects on a certain magician that we all know and love. KuroFai. Contains a bit of language. Hopefully no spoilers.


AN: I used to be a HP fanatic, then I switched my focus to Death Note, and now here I am obsessing over Tsubasa, haha. Oh how my interests have changed. Anywho, this is hopefully not containing any spoilers of the series, and it's pretty vague, so I think you can read it without too much fear of being spoiled if you haven't finished the series. But be cautious. Spoilers could've slipped in without my knowing.

This is pretty much how I think Kurogane percieves Fai after they've gotten to know each other, and all that. It is also a KuroganexFai fic, so if you don't like that, now it probably a good time to skeedaddle and find something nonslash. But I think those two make a cute couple, really.

This is from Kurogane's POV.

Disclaimer: The characters and their original storyline do not belong to me, and I don't intend to gain any money off this. I respect CLAMP, and don't want to steal their work. The credit for the characters belongs to them. Only this little fic belongs to me. and it's not going to get me any money. Unfortunately, because I could really use some. -sigh-

* * *

Oh joy. Here you go, yet again, trying to push me away. You've attempted to clam up around me, haven't you? You're trying to hide something from me. You think you know how this will work, don't you? Well, I can tell you firmly that you are wrong.

But then again, when haven't you been when you've tried this? You know I'm right, deep down. You're just trying to delude yourself into thinking I won't notice. I didn't get to where I am now by being unobservant. I couldn't have survived long in my world staying as oblivious as you wish I was.

And that's what's wrong with you. You always delude yourself into thinking you're such an opaque guy. You hide your true thoughts and feelings behind all these smiles, and lies. Yes, I know that you're a liar. But, by this point, I think we all are.

I know you like to think that no one's got you figured out. You like to think yourself as ambiguous. And yeah, it works for most others, but I'm not falling for it. You know that. I know you too goddamn well to fall for it. After all that we've been through together, I'm almost insulted to think you'd fool yourself into believing I'll fall for your stupid tricks and lies.

But, that's because we're so alike. To the outside world, we're as different as night and day. It almost takes a literal sense in our physical appearance, doesn't it? And I can't blame the outside world for getting it wrong. After all, I'm the stoic one dressed in black, not caring much for words, and you're the vibrant smiling face who always wears light colors, and talks often.

When you get past the surface, we are very much alike, aren't we? We both wear a mask to hide our true selves from the world. We both serve to guide those kids we travel with. And don't forget the lies we've told. Neither of us wants anyone to get too close. Our pasts keep us distant from the world.

But I know you're a lot closer to those kids than you try to let on. I can tell, because I'm the exact same. For both of us, letting the world know just how much we care about these once total strangers could spell our doom.

It's not just that, though, is it? We don't want those children close, because we don't want them to get taken from us. I may not know all you've been through growing up, but I can tell you've been through loss when you were younger. We both have been through it. And I'm sure we both don't want it to happen again to these kids who still have so much to live for.

That's what's keeping you from me. That's why you try to brush me off, and try to ignore me. You're trying to fool me into thinking you don't care about me. You i_want_/i to push me away. You want me to believe your lies, and get angry. You're trying to hide it, but I can tell, you're trying so hard to break this bond we have.

It's not working, you know. I know damn well you're lying through your teeth when you try to tell me things that would make me angry. You're trying to hurt me. And I can see it's hurting you, too. Deep down, all you want to do is hold me closer, and stop all this pretending. But, the pain now is nothing compared to how you'd feel if I got hurt on your account, right?

Well, like I said, I know damn well what you're trying to do. And maybe I'll play along for a while. But you and I both know it's a wasted effort. We're already in this too deep. All that we've experienced, and all that we know about each other, isn't going to go away. No matter how hard you try, you can't erase this bond.

Just like you can't break the bond, you will never rid yourself of me. You should know this by now. I'm not one to go back on my commitments. Our bond, it's like a commitment. It's something that will always remind us of this time. It'll always keep us tethered. Like that witch said, it's hitsuzen.

I'm not leaving you, no matter how you try. I can keep my distance from those kids on the outside, because they'd still have each other were I to get into trouble again. But you and I, all we have is one another. You know as well as I that we're meant to support each other. If one of us is gone, the other won't be able to stand on his own for long.

If I could, perhaps I'd try the same thing you're doing now, and push you away. I'd push you away so my past couldn't hurt you. You think you're the only one with a shitty, painful past, but you aren't. Especially not in our fucked up little family group. Those kids seem happy enough, but I'm sure we'll find they've both had some screwy past, as well.

But, you know, I can't push you away. Just like you can't push me away. And I'll be honest; I really wish I could keep you at a distance. I wish I could act just as cold to you as you act to me, and do it knowing I'm keeping you safe, because there isn't any telling what's to come from our fucked-up lives.

I can't though. Because I love you too much. Ironic, isn't it? The stoic ninja, strongest in Nihon country, who rarely even smiles, in love. With another guy, no less. But that isn't going to change the facts. I can't push you away now. I know it would probably keep you alive, when those demons of my past come back to haunt me. But I just can't do it.

I'm positive you feel the exact same. I know the way this bond works, and just as you are surely aware of how I feel for you, I know you feel the same. I know that's why you try as hard as you may to keep me away. You know that when the demons from your past, whatever the hell they may be, come for i_you_/i, they'll try to come after me, first.

But I know I'll be able to fight those bastards off. There's something in me that can't stand to see you hurt. And after I beat those bastards from your past, I'm going to be there to help you move onward. I may not be a dreamseer, but I just know that's how it's going to play out. Call it instinct, if you wish.

I also know full well that that's how you're going to act for me, when my demons come. We're going to fight those asses to the best our ability, and when I've had enough, you'll keep me moving onward. It's just how we function, and I know you'll have to face this fact soon.

It sounds odd, though. I used to be so obsessed with strength, being able to protect the ones I love. And I still am, in a way. Yet here I am, admitting that I can be defeated. But no one defeats their personal demons on their own, that much I've learned on this journey.

Maybe a person goes into the final battle with his demons alone. But before that, he gets help. He gets support. Those who love him, and care for him, they encourage him. They get him to that final battle, and give him the reason to even go into that battle, and another to survive it, and win.

And that's how we will work, Fai. You try to deny it now, and you try to keep me, and yourself, from experiencing the pain of me getting hurt for your sake. But soon you'll have to stop.

Soon, you'll have to face that whatever pain I may experience for you, and vice versa, is nothing compared to how we'd feel when the other lost the final battle with that demon. Neither of us can stand alone and do it, we both know that well. But with each other, we know we'll succeed.

Besides, you and I, we still need to be here for more than just each other. That kid, Syaoran, he has more demons than he lets on himself. He'll need support to get to the final battle, too. And I'm not sure Sakura will be enough to get him to that point. He'll need us to act as his guides to the final battle.

When we reach that point with Syaoran, when he goes to face his demons alone, it won't be easy. I know we'll both worry. And it's going to be painful waiting for that battle to end. But all the same, we'll be able to get that kid to his final goal. You know it. I know it. But I don't think the others can tell.

So stop all these lies and pretending, if only for an instant. You don't have to start blabbing everything to everyone, or drop the mask completely. Hell, I won't drop mine, either. But, with each other, we can both let the falsities drop.

If only you'd stop pushing me away. Stop running from what you know is inevitable. I'll be here by your side. If only you'd just accept the truth, for once in your life.

Like I said, we may seem different, but on the inside, we are very much the same.


End file.
